Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
