he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
