I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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