He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
