She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
