fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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