Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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