My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
