I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize