it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
