Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
