my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
