you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
pray to the hookup gods
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
