He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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