we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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