Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize