I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
