That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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