my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
