apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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