I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
