Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
