She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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