is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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