It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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