Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
