oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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