You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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