...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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