My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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