Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
