If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Houston, we have a squirter
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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