I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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