Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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