well I can't set my house on fire every night
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
