Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
