i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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