I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
