dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
