I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
