so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
