Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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