he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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