I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
