birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
