Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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