DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Randomize
