My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
