You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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