It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
