I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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