I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
