i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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