im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
