her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
