I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
