Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
