she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
