Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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