Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
