That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
