New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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